BREAKING [APRIL 1, 2011 01:30EST]: President Obama and Congress balance the federal budget

Washington D.C. - It was only yesterday that we heard from the White House spokesman that President Obama had sufferred a minor heart attack after which the president appeared at the podium confirming his good health. Despite some rumours from the fringes like Oliver Stone claiming that the president didn't look like himself, the president took off like a new man unburdened by the problems of the last two years. In an unprecedented move, President Obama and congressional leaders worked all night in the White House to balance the federal budget. When Obama was asked how he was able to bring both parties together so quickly, he half joked that he enticed them with bratwurst. Meanwhile, Vice President Biden was on a goodwill tour in Africa. Although the details are forthcoming on how such a historic agreement was reached, the president outlined the basis of bringing the country back from the economic edge by stating "We've got so many problems, we don't even want to look at them anymore. They just blend together into this great big noise, and pretty soon we can't hear ourselves think. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that we think we can't do anything about it, and that's a tragedy because we can. We don't know where to start maybe. Maybe that's what it is, but I have an idea about where we can start. From today, I'm going to make it the responsibility of this government to find a job for every American who wants one."